I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
