At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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