Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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