How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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