How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
