goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
