did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
