I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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