saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
