I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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