he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize