I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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