Even the bartender felt bad for me
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
