At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
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I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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