Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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