I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
