Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
