The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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