Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
