____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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