i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
