Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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