Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
