Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize