If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
