dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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