I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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