it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
