The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
