you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
