I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
