someone owes me an orgasm
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
