I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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