So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
