At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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