I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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