We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
