he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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