Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
