I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
