lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
