I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
