Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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