I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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