There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
