if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
