I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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