You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
