We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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