Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
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hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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