i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
