The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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