Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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